Thursday, June 09, 2005

On the occasion of my inauguration as President of the United States

My fellow Americans, and our distinguished guests… President Bono of the United States of Europe… Today should be a day of great rejoining. We begin a new chapter in our national story, in the tradition of the New Deal, Fair Deal, New Frontier, Great Society, Silent Majority, Morning in America, Thousand Points of Light and Compassionate Conservatism.

I say we should rejoice. But we cannot. During my campaign I told you what you wanted to hear - that we are the greatest country in the world. Favored by God, virtuous, well educated and well provided for. You’ll remember my campaign was based on a platform I called The Four American F’s – faith, family, fear of foreigners, and freakin’ unlimited firepower.

You also may have noticed how my nose grew during the campaign.

So now that I am in the Oval Office… and backed by the 82nd Airborne… I can at last speak the truth. We are in deep shit. And it’s getting deeper by the day. I’m sorry I had to tell so many whoppers to get your attention. But now that I have it, I ain’t letting go.

My fellow Americans, we have grown fat, dumb and dopey. If we bothered to read what others think of us, we would see we are no longer the envy of the world, or even perceived as the enemy of the world. We have become the laughingstock of the world.

I have only to point to last summer’s Olympic games where we won 30 percent of the gold medals. Urged on by the cheerleading media, corporate sponsors and national officeholders we shouted til we were hoarse about USA Pride! We missed what everyone else in the world knows, that 30 percent of our athletes now are Chinese, Indians or Kenyans who come in on H-1B visas and are then sent home.

We pay lip service to our hallowed Constitution, but if I had a hammer you’d hear an echo it’s now so hollow. Does anyone really believe the Framers foresaw AK-47s?

I was elected by skillfully manipulating red-state against blue-state, in the finest tradition of keeping have-not’s fighting have-not’s so the have’s get more. In truth, we are not a nation of red-state and blue-state. We are, rather, in a sorry state.

I am bone-weary hearing pious references to Isaiah’s ‘wealth of nations.’ I urge you instead to consider the words of the prophet Pogo: ‘We met the enemy; he’s us.’

We have nothing to fear, but ourselves. ‘He’ is not the enemy. ‘She’ is not the enemy. ‘They’ are not the enemy. My friends, you and I are the enemy. We have squandered our birthright as freeborn men and women in exchange for gee-gaws, doo-dads and imperial ambitions. For that, we deserve neither freedom nor gee-gaws.

My administration will not finish its work in the first hundred days, or the first thousand days, but we will begin in the first 40 days.

I am today directing the Attorney General to institute and enforce a 40-day period of prayer, fasting, almsgiving and abstinence. Abstain from television, from movies made after 1980, from anything with a commercial message, and anything that runs under Windows (to cut down on workplace profanity and road rage). And especially from junk in all forms – whether in our guts, our veins or our brains

And after that, I will direct the establishment of a New Sabbath, although to avoid the appearance of favoring any one religion, it will be on Wednesdays. On that day all airports, filling stations and shopping malls will be locked down and secured by the National Guard who will, forthwith, be brought home from overseas service for which they did not volunteer.

Our long national nightmare is over; the Age of Ironic Detachment is kaput. As commander in chief, I am directing all of you to engage in Mindful Attachment, beginning with a prohibition on electric garage door openers. Henceforth you must park on the street and say hello to your neighbors on both sides before going in to sit down to dinner your family.

Go and taste, touch, smell, see and hear each other and this land of ours with no 1’s and 0’s mediating the encounter. God designed us to experience the world directly.

And speaking of God, my predecessors have undertaken many ungodly actions then clothed them in piety by proclaiming God Bless America. Turning on this day from triumphant to supplicant, we pray instead, God help America! And recall that God helps those who help themselves and don’t fear others.

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